Friday, October 19, 2007

ROSAMUNDE SAUSAGE GRILL SIZZLES;JOKES OF THE WEEK

Rosamunde Sausage Grill; 545 Haight Street, San Francisco (437-6851) has a Zagat rating of 25! They do one thing and they do it well at this spectacular lower Haight American sausage haunt, a stainless steel stand-up grill sans sit down space specializing in the best wurst in the city. What you get is fowl, cow, pig, including wild boar, any animal really with grilled onion, peppers, sauerkraut and chili on top -- all for just a few bucks. The friendly Fraulein even lets you take 'em next door to the Toronado pub to wash down with a beer. That's just what Peter and I did but we opted for the pomegranate cider. Peter noted "tip, you bastards" at the cash register of this European style pub with regulars hanging out in the middle of the afternoon, one reading Hunter S. Thompson, another chatting nearby on his cellphone. I would recommend the wild boar sausage but skip the sauerkraut which was flat and tasteless and go with the peppers and grilled onions. Price? a wopping $4.50. Pomegranate cider: 4.00.

JOKES OF THE WEEK:
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, etc. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are some examples:

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally let her out.

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?". The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are the 3 words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home."

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for 2 hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. The the mud fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish woman like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact the Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

Why don't Jewish mother drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Friday, October 5, 2007

PARK CHOW: A WINNER NEAR GOLDEN GATE PARK; COMEDY DAY IN GGP

Park Chow;1240 Ninth Ave (between Irving and Lincoln);415-665-9912. When you don't feel like cooking or paying big bucks, follow the lead of everyone from picky eight-year-olds to vegetarians and head to this very San Francisco-funky New American outfit in the Inner Sunset with a lively neighborhood feel and spot-on service. The diverse menu pleases all palates even my "no fins no feathers" dining companion, Peter, who ordered the classic spaghetti and meatballs, made with hamburger and fennel sausage. (large: 10; small: 7.50). I chose the fish of the day: Ono, a white fish grilled with mushrooms and arugula topping.(20+ as quoted). Save room for a homemade pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream and great coffee for dessert. I'd give this place a 10!

Peter's Joke of the Day:

For centuries, Hindi women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store , a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the U.S. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

COMEDY DAY IN THE PARK: SEPTEMBER 30, 2007 : MY FAVORITE LINES FROM 30 COMEDIANS.
Jake Johanssen: Everything happens for a reason. If you don't know the reason, you better shut up. If you carry a flask, people will come up to you and say: Dude, you have a problem. Your answer? Dude, I've found a solution.

Robert Dushay: On getting married: I love the pitter patter of little feet...love Asian hookers.

Tom Ammiano: Folsom Street Fare this year is green: Beat me, bore me, biodegrade me.
On getting older: Now when I say I pulled an all-nighter, I mean I didn't get up once to pee.

Carrie Snow: I flew in from Los Angeles and I am one SHALLOW BITCH. She got kudos from the crowd by standing on her head during her 5 minute act. I am so limber from Yoga that I can kiss my own ass.

Will Durst: Bill Clinton, when he said he never had sexual relations with that woman, was pointing at Helen Thomas.

Kurt Weitzmann: I hate cops, but I live in a very bad neighborhood so I never see them.

John Hoogasian: New way to smuggle drugs: hide them in the bloodstream.

Joe Klostick: We are like the reality show for the rest of the planet. No one likes us anymore because of Bush.

Doug Ferrari: I'm ready to personally give George Bush a blow job so we can impeach him. We know that Condaleeza Rice is blowing him...because his dick fits between the little space in her teeth.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

BACCHUS KIRK; AUGUST 28, 2007

It was a superbad Tuesday night for trivia in San Francisco...match your wits with the best and the brightest. The answers will follow:

1.1,000 Splendid Suns has been on the NY Times best seller list for weeks. Name the author.
2.Who won 2006 Grammy best record; name the record.
3.Manager, MVP winning team of 1989 world series.
4.Who won the Academy Award for Best Picture, year 2000.
5.Greek god Ares was representative of what; name the Roman counterpart.
6.Name of airline, type of plane, location of Asian crash recently.
7.Name South American city, country where short runway caused a disaster.
8.Author of Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.
9.Name 3 corporate failures which caused passage of SOX.
10.The Conn-Smythe is awarded for what?
11.Periodic symbol for mercury.
12.Which organization issues Pulitzer Prize; name 3 categories.
13.Which California County is largest in the country, geographically speaking.
14.Without counting utilities and railroads, how many property spaces are on Monopoly Board?
15.What Playboy model played role of Lisa the Tool Girl on Home Improvement.

ANSWERS:
1.Khaled Hosseini.
2.Dixie Chicks. Not Ready to Make Nice.
3.Oakland A's. Tony La Russa and Dave Stewart.
4.Gladiator.
5.God of War; Mars.
6.China Airlines; 737; Japan crash.
7.Sao Paulo, Brazil.
8.James Joyce.
9.Enron Worldcom, Tyco.
10.MVP- Hockey League; Stanley Cup Playoffs.
11.HG
12.Columbia University. Print Journalism, Literary Achievement, Musical Competition.
13.San Bernadina
14.22 Spaces
15.Pamela Anderson

Sunday, August 26, 2007

PESCE: INTRIGUING SMALL PLATES FISH JOINT; HUMOR OF FRED ALLEN

Pesce; 2227 Polk Street (Green); 928-8025 is an intriguing, convivial place where the fish are still wiggling. The creative North Italian (Venetian) vittles made with organic ingredients is a Russian Hill neighborhood-er with scrumptious seafood served on small plates that aren't small in flavor. Affordable prices add to the appeal. I came here with my best friend Zontar, and we share thoughts on the pro's and cons of living in San Francisco. Someone said we were given l tongue and 2 ears so we should listen twice as much and I've been listening to a lot of people who are wild about the City-by-the-Bay. Weather, diversity of food, ethnic neighborhoods, cultural amenities top the list. Cons? Freedom not to associate with sports nuts (me). Can smell crab at Fisherman's Wharf but can't go swimming there (boo hoo). If you decide to eat at Pesce, here's what I would recommend:

Rucola: baby organic arugula, saved fennel, Parmesan and lemon. (6)
Oysters: today's selection of oysters on the half shell (A.Q.)
Linguine: Dungeness crab, garlic, white wine and chili flakes. (12)
Salmone: Sustainably raised Atlantic salmon, pesto and fregula sardo (13).
Desserts:Vanilla bean gelato, brownies, chocolate and whipped cream. (7).

HUMORIST RADIO VETERAN FRED ALLEN WAS FAMOUS FOR SAYING HOLLYWOOD IS A GREAT PLACE IF YOU ARE AN ORANGE:
An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I have just returned from Boston.. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
During Samuel Johnson days we had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small guys enjoying big talk.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
You can take all of the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for 3 caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

TON KIANG: DISAPPOINTING DIM SUM JOINT; BILL MAHER ON E-BIRTHDAY CARDS

Ton Kiang, 5821 Geary Blvd., (22nd Avenue);387-8273;www.tonkiang.net. It's located at the end of the earth and it's not worth the effort to get to this Outer Richmond Hakkan Chinese restaurant that's always mobbed with crazy long lines because the so-called reward is dim sum at its best. Or so the Marketing wiz kids would have us believe. The choices go beyond the ubiquitous dumplings. Is that a good thing? A good friend, Richard, and I celebrated my birthday early evening before the hordes arrived. I interrogated the English-speaking waiters about the ubiquitous MSG. I wondered if we were just a couple of dumb, stupid Caucasians seduced by white tablecloths, fine wine, etc. Yep, they were very proud of their "flavoring" salt it seems. If you don't go for the dim sum or fresh sea bass (recommended), DON"T try the following:

Sole fillets sauteed with snap peas in house chili sauce made with ginger, cottonseed oil, salt, msg. Second rate fish, tasted like it was warmed over and the listless waiter did not serve it at the same time as the chicken.(14.50)...

Ton Kiang steamed salt baked chicken (1/2). (10.50). Is this a joke? What is it? Steamed? Salt? Baked? This was a real disappointment. Not recommended.

White Rice. (2)
Beringer Wine (merlot) (8)

Humor of the Old Curmudgeon Bill Maher:

Sending someone a birthday e-card doesn't count. If you can't get your shit together enough to go to Sav-On and pick out an actual physical birthday card, don't bother. I'm not expecting Hallmark. I know you don't care enough to send the "very best," but just don't send the very worst, or else, when you die, I'll be forced to deliver an e-eulogy.

Kids, they're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
I don't dislike children. I just don't particularly want to hang around them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.

Oh, and did I mention we owe China a trillion dollars. We're not on a bridge to the 22nd century, we're on a bus to Atlantic City with a roll of quarters.

Ice dancing is not a sport. Take away the skates and sequins, it's just a public wife-beating. If you saw this happening in a trailer park, you'd call the cops.

New Rule: When Pres. George W. Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.

Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a bright idea about how to fix Social Security.

New Rule: Stop saying you're resigning because you want to spend more time with the family or return to the private sector, or because of your health. That's all code for "I'm about to be indicted.".

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of the services along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

Friday, August 17, 2007

RISTORANTE UMBRIA: SOMA HOMEY JEWEL;RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S HUMOR

Ristorante Umbria; 198 Second Street (Howard);546-6985. www.ristoranteumbria.com Generous and tasty, traditional straight outta Umbria dishes make it worth the fight to get into this homey SOMA Italian jewel during the crowded lunch hour, especially if you score a curbside table, or if you're attending a performance at Yerba Buena Center. Owner Giulio who's so omnipresent he should be a politician was noticeably absent from the Friday pre-birthday lunch (my 29th) that it was a welcome relief! My dining mate, Peter, brought an unbloggable/politically incorrect joke which he made me promise not to blog but we did share some Rodney Dangerfield humor! I would recommend the following dishes:

Rigatoni Amatriciana: De Cecco rigatoni pasta sauteed with pancetta, white onion, fresh tomato and white wine. (12.00)

Pesce del giorno: Salmon grilled with lemon; green beans, potatoes (18.75/dinner) for lunch). One of the best salmon lunches in the city!

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

He said...
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray AFTER the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
I told my buddies that my wife cut our sex back to once a month. They said, "Don't feel so bad, she cut some of us off altogether."

Monday, August 13, 2007

KULETO'S: HAPPY, NOISY AL FORNO ITALIAN STANDBY; STEVEN MARTIN ON THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW

Kuleto's; Villa Florence Hotel; 221 Powell; 397-7720. This is a happy, noisy Union Square standby. This handsome trattoria/wine bar is a welcome port for tourists, theatergoers, tired shoppers at Macy's across the street. All delight in the dependable al forno Italian eats. An aging Troy Donahue look-alike, Kent, and I got a table in front of the exhibition-style kitchen, which is great to watch, especially if your perch is at the excellent bar among the buzzy crowd. Here's what I would recommend:

Baked eggplant filled with herbed ricotta, fresh mozzarella, spicy marinara (9.50)
Bloomsdale spinach, goat cheese, roasted peppers, mushrooms, pine nuts, sherry pancetta dressing (9.00)
Braised halibut cheeks, potatoes, pea sprouts, tomatoes, capers, white wine (26.00)
Roasted Sonoma duck, white polenta, rapini, honey grappa apricot conserva.

Steve Martin on David Letterman 8/8/07. He will publish a memoir in December on stand-up and showed a clip of him writing it. David: How are you? That's a very forward question. Any thoughts on turning 60? Upon turning 60, i realized all my long-term goals are not short-term. 80-year-old sophisticated woman who's had a lot of heart operations said, in a posh voice, WELL FINALLY, WE DO BECOME WISE BUT IT'S TOO LATE. Steve was hosting National Book Awards and was to give an award to Arthur Miller. He told this joke: I'D LIKE TO OPEN NIGHT WITH A RIDDLE. NAME A PLAYWRIGHT ON THIS LIST THAT DOES NOT BELONG: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, EDWARD ALBEE, TENNESSE WILLIAMS, ARTHUR MILLER, STEVE MARTIN. ANSWER: ARTHUR MILLER: NAME 1 PERSON WHO SLEPT WITH MARILYN MONROE.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

ANDREW WEIL'S 12-POINT PROGRAM FOR HEALTHY AGING

1.Eat an anti-inflammatory diet. Olive oil, nuts, avocados. Avoid margarine, vegetable shortening, transfats, etc. Eat fish 3-5 times a week. If you don't like fish, take omega 3 fish oil supplements. The best salmon is wild. Try sockeye salmon; it's the least carnivorous, feeding on insects and algae. This accounts for its red color.
2.Use dietary supplements wisely. It's best to get your nutrients from food. Make sure you get enough vitamin C -1,000 units daily. Remember that sunscreen blocks Vitamin D absorption. It's good to go without sunscreen 15-30 minutes a daily to activate Vitamin D from the sun.
3.Use preventive medicine wisely -- screenings, tests, etc.
4.Regular physical exercise is 3-pronged: Aerobic is best if you speed walk and get the heart beat up to 60 percent of capacity. Vigorous walking takes no equipment and you can do it in a mall. (2) Weight training for strength. If you maintain muscle mass, obviously you burn more calories. (3) Flexibility/balance training. Remember that falls in old age are greatest cause of disability and even death.
5.Adequate rest and sleep. Napping is good. 20 minutes in the afternoon is delightful. As a side note, mild sleep deprivation elevates mood and combats depression.
6.Practice stress management. Stress is a toxin to memory and it is my educated guess that cortisol has negative effects on memory.
7.Exercise mind. Learn another language, musical instrument.
8.Maintain social and intellectual connectedness. Look to the Okinawans who have a low calorie diet, exercise a lot and do not consume a lot of sugar and fat like Americans. The old people there look radiant because the culture values aging.
9.Remain flexible and mind and body. Immerse yourself in the culture; don't isolate yourself as you age.
10.Focus on the benefits of aging gained through wisdom and experience.
11.Don't deny aging by going in for Botox or verbal deceits like "you're getting younger". No one is getting younger. Embrace process of aging.
12.Legacy. Think about what you have learned and want to pass on. What are the life experiences and how to pass on to younger generations. Maturity is when you become involved in the next generation.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

BACCKUS KIRK; TRIVIA NIGHT; AUGUST 7, 2007

Trivia Night...I raced here after dinner with a new friend Kent at Kuleto's (future blog). Here goes. Answers to follow:

1.What State are the miners in? What caused the catastrophic event?
2.After New York, LA, Chicago, what are the 2 cities with largest population in U.S.?
3.Who was President during start of the Vietnam War?
4.Who was Al Gore's running mate?
5.Actress Charlize Theron hails from what country?
6.What are the 3 incredients in a black cow?
7.What is currently threatening the British cattle industry?
8.Blackstone recently went public. What type of Company is it?
9.Which male, female performer got most votes for MTV Music Awards?
10.Sitting Bull is from what Indian tribe?
11.Name 5 countries which have territory in the Arctic Circle.
12.Bank of America when first established was known as which Bank?
13.Which State is nicknamed Pelican State?
14.If you listed all countries of world in alphabetical order, what would 1st 3 countries be?
15.A journalist was shot and killed in Oakland. Name him and his paper.

ANSWERS:
1. Utah. Earthquake.
2. Houston, Phoenix, Philadelphia.
3. Lydon Johnson
4. Joseph Lieberman
5. South Africa
6. Vanila Ice Cream, Root Beer, Chocolate Sauce
7. Foot and Mouth disease.
8. Private Equity firm.
9. Beyonce; Justin Timberlake
10.Sioux
11.Canada, Norway, Russia, USA, Denmark (also Greenland)
12.Bank of Italy
13.Louisiana
14.Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria
15.Chauncey Bailey; Oakland Post

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

ANITA THOMPSON (HUNTER THOMPSON'S WIDOW): THE GONZO WAY; 8/6/07 THE BOOKSMITH, HAIGHT-ASHBURY, SAN FRANCISCO

Anita Thompson, author of The Gonzo Way: A Celebration of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (Fulcom, 2007). Booksmith 8/6/07. Everybody has their own Hunter Thompson story be it when they read one of his books or perhaps when they saw Hunter in person. I saw him at the Booksmith in the Haight-Ashbury in 1997 with actor Johnny Depp. Hundreds of fans formed a line around the block. Anita Thompson, his widow, has stories to tell about an American original who is part visionary, part revolutionary, part literary genius who was able to hold such a grip on our imaginations. The reason she wrote the book was geared to the response she received from thousands of young people who felt lost after Hunter died. She has 5 years of intense experience. One thing that worried her after Hunter's death was this misconception that Hunter's genius came from his lifestyle -- drinking Wild Turkey and taking a bottle of Dexedrine tablets must be the ticket to ride. If I took all these substances, the thinking went, I could write like Hunter. He discouraged people from acting like him. He was a big advocate of being an individual, of being yourself. Last book they collaborated on was Dr. Thompson's guide to physical fitness.

Anita read the chapter on Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride. Here is a portion of the Q and A.

Q:This may be a little painful for you but you were on the phone with Hunter when he shot himself. What were his last words - if you can tell us?
A: I was indeed on the phone when he did it and to some that seems like an act of cruelty but actually he was very loving and Hunter had been planning this for quite awhile as I know now. The discussion we had a year before that was about different sects of Buddhism. He was not a Buddhist by any means but one philosophy is that you decide when you're going to die. You think in your mind how you'd like to die, who you'd like to with die, etc. What you would like to wear, every decision is made from what shoes you put on that day to what you put into your body -- will that bring you closer or take you away from that? And we discussed that and he wanted me to be there with him and the circumstances were such that I was on the phone with him. His last words were very sweet. They weren't cruse -- just the opposite. It was in his mind an act of love.
Q: Do you feel that the public's mythologizing of Hunter's lifestyle is accurate?
A: Yes! He never encouraged it in anyone else. He did have a unique ability to -- he had a strange and unusual constitution both mentally and physically. Not only could he ingest more physical substances than other people but also he could absorb more information than other people I know. He read several newspapers and a stack of magazines every day. Some people called is a disorder but he constantly needed input. It was a flow of substances and food, too. It just kept coming.

Friday, August 3, 2007

BRANDY HO'S:CHANGE FROM MUNDANE CHINESE;PETER'S JOKE OF THE WEEK

Brandy Ho's; 271 Columbus; (415) 788-7527.www.brandyhos.com. The first thing you notice upon entering is the large banner proclaiming ABSOLUTELY NO MSG. The restaurant doth protest too much, me thinks. Incendiary insiders insist this excellent Chinatown Human resource is numero uno for fairly priced flavor intensive chow from a menu designed for both the adventurous and the staid. You might want to specify mild or medium unless you have an asbestos mouth. The decor has the usual tacky ornamentation (plastic plants, flower pots separating the diners). Regulars prefer to sit at the bar and watch the wok folks at work.

Have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone
Have a napkin, have a chopstick, have a chair!
Have a spare rib, Mr. Goldstone-
Any spare rib that I can spare, I'd be glad to share!
(Stephen Sondheim, Mr. Goldstone, I Love You, 1959).


This is definitely a go-to place for the financial district crowd. What with excellent book browsing at City Lights, sluicing, and cheery conversation and what-not, an afternoon can pass quite happily.

The restaurant does not pass out knives but they should if you opt for the calamari with black bean sauce and brown rice as I did. BIG MISTAKE! It was a very disappointing: rubbery, tasteless and the sauce not as fiery as I would have liked.(9.95). Regulars at the next table insist that you should avoid the smoked items and keep it simple! Diced boneless chicken with string beans marinated with ginger, garlic and hot bean sauce fits the bill. (8.50). Peter ordered the Lunch Bar Special (Hunan style spicy beef with mixed veggies). A real deal at just $6.95. Skip the desserts. Is there such a thing as Sugar Replacement Therapy? Yeah, it's called Chocolate. Best to bring your own. Make mine Godiva!

PETER'S JOKE OF THE WEEK:

Hi-Tech Restaurant.
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please. Intrigued, the man said, "OK". The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthrough, etc. The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tact.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.. Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out, "Uh...about 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e
g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e
H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

Saturday, July 28, 2007

TAJINE: STAR REBORN FROM GRITTY TENDERLOIN TO POLK GULCH; JOKE OF THE WEEK

Tajine Restaurant; 1338 Polk Street; 440-1718; open 7 days 12 noon - 10:00 p.m. tajinerestaurant. com.
Do you remember Tajine as a tiny, cramped hole in the wall joint in the gritty part of the Tenderloin, a favorite destination of cab drivers? I'm happy to say that owner Mohammed Ghaleb's move to Polk Gulch has assured its popularity. Never tasted Moroccan cuisine? Now you can dine with friends under a row of beautiful Moroccan lanterns that provide a decorative element to a simple room. Start with a Fez favorite, Mozaic of Salad: a taste of zaalook, shalada, Taktouka and fresh beets. (7.95) Try the chicken bastilla filo dough filled with crumbly stuffing of minced chicken, ground almonds, scrambled egg topped with sugar dustng and a suspicion of cinnamon. (9.95) Sublime is the only word to describe the lamb tajine stewed prunes and roasted almonds in a delicious savory sauce. (12.95) The couscous unfortunately has succumbed to a sad simplication. My choice is the kufta tajine - ground meat balls sauteed in olive oil with red bell peppers, tomatoes, garlic & garnished with 2 eggs. (9.50). Delicious! Friends swear that the kabob plates are heavenly. Don't forget to end the meal with the traditional mint tea (3.25) and the homemade house dessert shepakia made of flour, almonds, sesame seeds, honey and orange blossom water (2.50). Such honest, heartfelt, generous cooking deserves highest honors. SF Weekly has declared it the best Moroccan Restaurant in San Francisco. I agree!

JOKE OF THE WEEK: Four guys in a club were arguing religion and politics (a no-no if people want to remain friends.) The Catholic argued his exclusive "inside-track" to salvation. The Protestant argued for personal redemption through the Bible. The Muslim cited Allah as his sole source of life and morality. All three turned to the fourth individual and asked him for his take on the discussion. "Sorry," he said, "I don't believe in all that religious mumbo-jumbo. I'm an atheist, Thank God!"

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

TRIVIA NIGHT: BACCHUS KIRK; July 24, 2007

QUESTIONS: (ANSWERS TO FOLLOW)

1.The recent NBA scandal. What does it involve?
2.What's the name of Jet Blue's loyalty program?
3.What country is isle of Zanzibar part of?
4.Name the two main guitarists of the Grateful Dead.
5.What is new odd feature of the Democratic debate.
6.Recent food scare: what is the health crisis?
7.What 2 movies had highest grosses at the box office?
8.Which 2 South American countries have no seacoast?
9.What ailment has technical name of dyspepsia?
10.Name official song of U.S. Navy.
11.Name the river which runs through Hades.
12.Who was just chosen to replace Bob Baker?
13.What year did Brady Bunch debut?
14.What is name of currency for Vietnam?
15.What country's capitol is Addis Ababa?

ANSWERS:
1.Gambling, betting, Tim Donahee.
2.True Blue.
3.Tanzania.
4.Jerry Garcia and Bob Weir.
5.Video Clips. UTUBE.
6.Botulism.
7.I Prounounce you Chuck and Larry; Transformers.
8.Paraguay; Bolivia.
9. Upset stomach; indigestion.
10.Anchors Away.
11.Styx.
12.Drew Carey.
13.1969.
14.Dong.
15.Ethiopia.

Monday, July 23, 2007

R and G LOUNGE: BEST SALT-AND-PEPPER CRAB; PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

R and G Lounge; 631 Kearny Street (at Clay); 415-982-7877;www.rnglounge.com. This spiffy seafood house on the edge of Chinatown is hugely popular with the Downtown business crowd and is definitely hopping on a Saturday night. Recognized as a Chinatown cheapie, it is famous for its seafood (they've got two tanks ), especially finger lickin' good salt-and-pepper crab. It used to be that you'd have to check all other expectations for fine dining at the door but now there are tablecloths both upstairs and downstairs. The decor is no longer a pity. I came here after a showing of Werner Herzog's film, Rescue Dawn, at the Embarcadero, with my good friend, Zontar. Christian Bale ate ground worms for protein int he jungle. Zontar settled for the kungpao chicken (13). I chose the sauteed prawns with sweet peas (13). We shared a large bowl of white rice (2). Entrees were humongous and delicious. There was plenty left over for Sunday brunch. Zontar was sweet enough to take following quiz. It's a fun thing to do with your best friend!

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE: (reprinted from Vanity Fair, August, 2007)

1.What is your idea of perfect happiness?
2.What is your greatest fear?
3.Which historical figure do you most identify with?
4.Which person do you most admire?
5.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
6.What is the trait you most deplore in others?
7.What do you most value in your friends?
8.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
9.What is your favorite journey.
10.What do you consider the most overrated virtue.
11.On what occasion do you lie?
12.What do you dislike most about your appearance?
13.What is your greatest regret?
14.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
15.When and where were you happiest?
16.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
17.What do you consider your greatest achievement?
18.What is your most treasured possession?
19.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
20.Where would you like to live?
21.What is your most marked characteristic?
22.What is your greatest extravagance?
23.What is the quality you most like in a man? woman?
24.Who are your favorite writers.
25.Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
26.Who are your heroes in real life?
27.What is your motto. This was asked of Helen Gurley Brown of Cosmopolitan & her answer: "Get up and do it if it needs to be done, even if you hate it!"

TRIVIA NIGHT: BACCHUS KIRK

It was a crowded night at Bacchus Kirk. Here goes: (ANSWERS BELOW)
1.Name symbol that was stormed in Islamabad.
2.What city is home to the International War Crimes Tribunal?
3.Brazil is former colony of which country?
4.Who is Donald Trump thinking of as co-host of The Apprentice?
5.Disneyland opened up in Anaheim in what year?
6.Besides Jack Nicolson, name actor in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
7.Name 2 top grossing box office movies.
8.If you turned in Osama Bin Laden, how much would you earn?
9.What object does a cooper make?
10.What type of wine plays central role in Sideways?
11.Which airport has code: PVD?
12.Give acronym for AIRBUS.
13.Who is author of Breakfast of Champtions, Cat's Cradle, Slapstick?
14. Who got out of rehab today. Name 2 follow-ups for her pledge of sobriety.
15.What are 2 shapes that make up traditional leather soccer ball.

ANSWERS:
1.Red Mosque.
2.The Hague, Netherlands.
3.Portugal.
4.Rosie O'Donnell.
5.1955
6.Danny Devito, Christopher Lloyd, Louise Fletcher.
7.Harry Potter, Transformers.
8.$50 Million.
9.Barrels.
10.Pinot Noir.
11.Providence.
12.EAD European Aeronautics Defense.
13.Kurt Vonnegut.
14.Lindsay Lohan. Wear ankle bracelet. Attend AA outpatient meetings.
15.Pentagon and Hexagon.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

MOOSE'S: GOOD VIBRATIONS AT JEWEL ON WASHINGTON SQUARE; JOKES OF THE DAY

Moose's; 1652 Stockton Street; 989-7800; www.mooses.com; San Francisco. Ed Moose's classy North Beach icon has moved forward under new ownership with its "feel good" vibe and newly crafted American fare. Droves commend Travis Flood and his staff for their attempt not to sell you food as art. The comfortable jazz-infused ambiance makes it a no-rush, sublime place to hobnob with politicos, sports celebs or SF society. Plus you can't beat the views of Washington Square Park and Russian Hill.

Jeffry, an ex-New Yorker, talented artist-carpenter and interior designer of homes in the SF Bay Area was in an upbeat mood the night before America's Birthday Party. He met me for espressos at the hustle-bustle happy hour bar scene prior to dinner. I perused the menu which noted: "To do a common thing, uncommonly well, brings success." (Henry John Heinz. I knew the restaurant has a passionate following. We nabbed a coveted window seat and hoped the meal would live up to Moose's reputation. I know a lot of fakery is committed in kitchens and I hoped there was nothing phony about the food here.

The menu changes seasonably. Here's what I would recommend:

White Crane Spring Ranch Summer Salad: ginger, carrots, radish, crunchy tidbits, apricots, verjus vinaigrette (13). The salad has a delicious crunch & the dressing was a perfect 10.

White Corn and Roasted Tomato Chowder; celery salad; crunchy baguette (9)

Fettuccine: Parmesan creme, chives (grilled chicken $8 supplemental) 14. Jeffrey is a cook, makes his own pasta and pronounced this one sublime.

Wild Halibut: pea tendrils, turnips, ginger, spiced almonds, fresh pea sauce. (27). This exceeded my expectations and was one of the best halibuts I'd eaten.

Jeffrey grew up with an Italian father and Jewish mother and went to Hebrew school. I told him this joke:

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the door and welcomes him in, shows him around. First we have the Catholics. They like to build churches, attend mass, take communion. So we let them do that. Further along, we have the Baptists. They like to preach the gospel, spread the holy word, so we let them do that. Further along, we have the Jews. They like to philosophize, argue, discuss ethics, morality, so we let them do that. They move further down the path, and come to a tall brick wall. "What's that? Why do you have a tall brick wall in heaven, the man asked. "Shh...It's the Mormons, and they think they are the only ones here.

Jokes from the Jewish Joke list:

Q: What is a Jewish menage-a-trois?
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: What did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.

Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.

Q: Define "genius".
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

Jewish proverb: A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

HOME ON THE RANGE: MISSION RESTAURANT DELIVERS; JUNE 19, 2007; ADULT JOKES; TRIVIA NIGHT: BACCHUS KIRK

An old friend, Dave, drove in from the leafy Peninsula suburb, San Mateo, and met me at Range, 842 Valencia Street (20th); www.rangesf.com;282-8283. City and country folk feel at home on the Range calling this Mission hot spot run by a husband and Wife team one of the best restaurants to open in many moons. Chef Phil West and his wife, Camerson, use local organic ingredients and this restaurant has moved to the top of every one's dining list. The interior is comfortable and stylish, the food is sensational, and the prices are a bargain. Range has a personal feel and much of the interior design was done by the couple using elements from the nearby Mission stores. Open-beamed ceilings and a pristine glassed-in kitchen complete the look. Crowds gather nightly cheek to jowl to enjoy cocktails at the bar and soak up the industrial chic vibe. Dave, dressed in a suit which made him look downright medieval among the casual, tattooed hipsters joined me at the leather corner booth but by 7pm the place was packed and conversation was difficult. It didn't matter: Dave is a man of few words.

Range's menu changes often but generally includes vegetarian options; creamy chicken liver mousse; coffee-rubbed pork shoulder; souffles. Here's what I would suggest:

Appetizers:
cremini mushroom soup with sour cream and chives (7)
little gem lettuce with blue cheese vinaigrette, radishes and toasted pecans (8.50)

Entrees:
atlantic cod with a stew of quinoa, corn and baby artichokes, herb vinaigrette (21)
slow cooked pork shoulder with braised peas and morel mushroom sauce (20)

Don't forget desserts which are some of the best in the city.

June lady peach cobber with raspberry ice cream (8)
coffee (3)

I shared a few Adult Jokes:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

A couple has been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird 50 years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey, " the little old lady breathlessly replied. "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other in in your oatmeal."


Bacchus Kirk: Trivia Night. Team Name: Dirty Laundry

1.What major Bay Area company hastily replaced its CEO? Name new CEO.
2.Boeing Company is producing the new new thing. Name it.
3.What are the top 2 countries are on U.S.'s Failed State's Index?
4.Name mayor of major U.S. who pulled out of the upcoming election campaign.
5.John D. Rockefeller made his fortune in which industry.
6.The Vatican came out with top 10 commandments in which area?
7.Who was elected President of Israel?
8.Who's the father of Angelina Jolie?
9.In England, what is the hobby of those called twitchers?
10.Name author recently knighted in England; name the book cited.
11.Who are the nation's 2 largest natural/organic retail companies.
12.Name Politically Correct M.C.; original TV channel he aired on.
13.Acronym DINK means what?
14.Which movie grossed most at the Box Office this weekend?
15.On alphabetical list of countries, name the last two beginning with "Z".

ANSWERS:
1. Yahoo. Jerry Yang.
2. Dreamliner 787.
3.Iraq and Sudan.
4.Mayor Bloomberg.
5.Oil.
6.Driving Rules.
7.Shimon Perez
8.Jon Voigt.
9.Birdwatchers.
10.Salmon Rushdie; Satanic Verses
11.Whole Foods; Wild Oats.
12.Bill Maher; Comedy Central.
13.DUAL INCOME NO KIDS.
14.Fantastic Four.
15. Zimbabwe; Zambia

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

BACCHUS KIRK: TRIVIA NIGHT: JUNE 12, 2007

"God Bless Albania" was the name of our team at the weekly Trivia Night at Bacchus Kirk. I recently returned from a spectacular 12-day road trip through the Heartland with Road Scholar, David Chrisoulis, of West Hartford, Connecticut, who graduated with honors, DRDR (Doctor of Driving Roads). We logged 2,100 miles on his Lincoln Continental from Omaha (or as Imus would say, OmaHO) to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. One of the most spectacular road trips of my life. I urge everyone to get out and T-R-A-V-E-L to see how other people live!

Test your wits with the best and the brightest! Answers supplied below!

1. Bob Barker recently retired from The Price is Right. Name his pet cause.
2. Name top 3 cellphone manufacturers.
3. Ronald Reagan to Gorbachov: "Tear down this Wall". How many years ago?
4. Name top 3 animated TV series according to Top10.com.
5. On what record label did Beatles sell records?
6. Name Stockholders' Statement allowing someone else to vote.
7. Besides Philadelphia and Washington, D.C., where are other U.S. Mints (4 cities)?
8. Sextuplets were born on same day in which 2 States?
9. Name top 3 grossing movies this past week.
10.Name State directly North of where Wright Brothers flew.
11.Name Apple Internet Browser that works on Windows.
12.What car is bestselling hybrid in U.S.?
13.What are top 4 most expensive rental markets in the U.S.?
14.Who is the co-producer of Ugly Betty TV series?
15.Who is Creator of Comic Strip Spiderman?
16.Name Space Shuttle currently on Space Station mission.

ANSWERS.

1. Spade Neutering of Animals
2. Nokia, Motorola, Samsung
3. 20 years ago today
4.South Park, The Simpsons, Family Guy
5.Apple
6.Proxy
7.Fort Knox, Denver, San Francisco, New York
8.Minnesota and Arizona
9.Oceans 13, Pirates of the Caribbean, Knocked Up
10.Virgina
11.Safari
12.Prius
13.New York, Boston, Honolulu, San Francisco
14.Selma Hayek
15.Stan Lee
16.Atlantis

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

TRIVIA NIGHT AT BACCHUS KIRK: MAY 22, 2007

It was a warm night but many people played Trivia for cash prizes at Bacchus Kirk. Good luck with your current events/memory test!

1.Name the satellite radio station which was offline for awhile this past week.
2.Name famous ship that burned in England. Type of ship?
3.Joan of Arc famous for which war?
4.Which airports have these codes: EWR; IAD?
5.In 2004, the top 2 countries for Tourism in 2004?
6.Federated Department stores own which 2 large chains?
7.Name University founded by Jerry Falwell.
8.Full name of Spiderman's girlfriend.
9.What country is Pippi Longstocking from?
10.Name of Angelina's/Brad's natural born daughter?
11.Name of the Contractor repairing MacArthur Meltdown?
12.Who created the James Bond series; Name his successful children's book.
13.Capitol of State of Michigan.
14.Identify the City served by Orly Airport.
15.Second Largest Nation in square mileage?

Monday, May 21, 2007

ABSINTHE: MAKES HEART GROW FONDER; MARLENE DIETRICH'S ABC; MAY 20, 2007

Absinthe; 398 Hayes Street; (415) 551-1590. www.absinthe.com. This French brasserie in Hayes Valley is steeped in a retro Paris atmosphere. I felt as if I were transported to a movie set a la belle epoque, with its burgundy walls reminiscent of a bordello. I walked with my new friend, Paul, from the Herbst Theater after the American debut performance of Russian (Ukrainian) tenor, Vladimir Kuzmenko whose voice was in top form: powerful, disciplined, splendiferous. Verdi, Puccini, Glinka, Tchaikovsky, Donizetti never sounded better. He gave us an encore: O Sole Mia!

The Gallic-Med fare at Absinthe was less satisfying. As my dining companion, Paul, pointed out, you have got to be a little suspicious of a French bistro which has spaghetti on the menu. Paul is a "computer doctor" who has been dividing his time between Chicago and San Francisco for a decade. He loves the theater, as do I, and we made a date to see The Imaginary Invalid by Moliere in June at ACT.

We settled on the coq au vin. A bad choice. It was ordinary, and unfortunately left a bad taste in our mouths. Leftovers from the night before? I think so.

I love halibut but the kitchen had served its last portion at 7:00 p.m. on a Sunday night, which suggests haphazard planning in the kitchen.

Our waiter discoursed on the benefits of the digestive, Fernet Blanco, for several minutes. We tasted it in our coffee and green tea after the dessert of cantaloupe, strawberry, pineapple sorbet. Obviously, we saved the best to last.

Here's what I would recommend at Absinthe:

Oyster Shooter: Chef's choice of oyster and spicy Bloody Mary sauce: 4
French Onion Soup gratinee: 7.5
Grilled Asparagus: fresh herbs and Parmesan cheese: 8
Smoked Salmon: cucumber, fried capers, and Pernod cream: 13.75
Roasted California halibut: braised escarole and potatoes with garlic, parley, capers, and pecorino cheese: 25
Grilled California King Salmon: roasted red beet vinaigrette, grilled vegetables and fig anchoiade crostini: 25
Sorbet trio: strawberry, pineapple, cantaloupe 6.

Absinthe also does a Prix Fixe: 75. Includes caviar, oyster, grilled fish of the day, sorbet or vanilla creme brulee.

************************************************************************************
Marlene Dietrich (1901-1992): The motto that guided her professional life was "Demand and Supply". She added her favorite saying to the preface of Marlene Dietrich's ABC (1961):

The Possible we do immediately -
The Impossible may take a little longer.
What follows is a selection from her book reflecting her beliefs and emotional experience.

Absence "Makes the heart grow fonder". The French go further: Absence is to love what the wind is to fire. It blows out the small one and lights the big one.

Books: You do not love a book necessarily because it teaches you something. You love it because you find affirmation of your thoughts or sanctions your deeds.

Car: A car is a man's best toy.

Demand and Supply: My Credo. Give what is needed. "Let them eat cake" is too easy. By the same token: It nothing is needed, give nothing.

Eating: All real men love to eat. Any man who picks at his food, breaking off little pieces with his fork, pushing one aside, picking up another, pushing bits around the plate, etc., usually has something wrong with him And I don't mean with his stomach.

Fear: A fatal surrender.

Gallows Humor: Adopted from the German: Galgenhumor. Meaning: The ability to laugh at one's own fate when directly confronted with disaster. It might seem strange that such a word should originate with the Germans, who, as a nation, are not blessed with a sense of humor. My gallows humor was Hemingway's great joy. It was one of the reasons why he made me his friend.

Hippocratic Oath: Just read it and realize that BY OATH doctors must cover up for each other's mistakes.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

FARALLON: UNDERWATER FANTASY LURES UNION SQUARE SEA LOVERS: MAY 15, 2007; LAWYER JOKES

Farallon; 450 Post Street (Mason); (415)956-6969; www.farallon restaurant.com. M-Th, 5:30-10; F-S:5:30-ll;S: 5-10. They should hand out snorkels at the door of this upscale seafood restaurant located smack-dab in the middle of Union Square. Chef Marc Franz' Farallon succeeds in luring pre-theater goers, tourists, and locals seafood lovers. Every thing about it would impress Captain Nemo.

I met Chris, software developer for the largest law firm in San Francisco. I call him the "madhatter" --he loves hats and he promised he'd come armed with lawyer jokes to keep me amused. I wondered if Chris' motto is "live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. NO! He is an enthusiastic bicyclist, underwater/ wildlife photographer, and has travelled to most of the rain forests of the world. He has lead an exciting life and swamped me the whole evening in a sea of words.

Chris has been dragged by an orangutan in Borneo, snorkeled the great Barrier Reef of Australia, run with the bulls in Spain, and photographed probably the lone jaguar in Belize. He is still searching for the girl of his dreams, and when he finds her will promise, the sun, moon, stars! Or so he says, and he strikes me as a man of his word.

He also graciously bought me an autographed copy of Farallon: Very Best of Seafood Cuisine. (Chronicle Books, $40.00). My beautiful older sister, Helen, has a Birthday in July and now she knows what a gorgeous gift she'll receive for being so warm, sweet, and generous herself over the years. She is the Matriarch of her family and has cooked many extraordinary meals for husband, son, grandchildren, Alexis and Tyler, and me, over the years!

Chris and I immediately got into the swim of things in this "underwater Grotto", an over-the-top Downtown wonderland that feels like a surreal Aquarium. The decor is jaw-dropping, replete with giant jellyfish lights hanging overhead, sea kelp columns, floors with ocean mosaics of sole and crab. I wondered whether the pampering service everyone talks about would live up to its reputation. I ordered a glass of Fermet Branca (Italian herbal drink) and Chris, a glass of Chardonnay.

The General Manager, Chris, seated us and gave me a guided tour. A very mellow soundtrack lures you in. There is no steady drum beat competing. Instead an IPOD play list can be faintly heard beneath the cacophony of human voices. How pleasant!

The menu obviously looks to the sea. The entrees are high-level surf 'n turf: walleyed pike, black bass, wild king salmon, Alaskan halibut, white sturgeon. Landlubbers don't have to fret: rib eye of beef and fillet of beef rounds out menu. It is noted that Farallon supports farms, ranches, and fisheries that are guides by principles of sustainability.

A taste of the good life does not come cheap in San Francisco. The dishes are sophisticated, refined but simple.

Here are some things I would recommend you order:

Appetizer:
Arugula and sweet fennel salad (ruby grapefruit, hazelnuts, Pecorino Romano) 14

English Pea Ravioli
Fresh morels, squash blossoms, nasturtium butter (18)

Entrees:

Roasted Alaskan Halibut
Served with asparagus risotto, lemongrass, nasturtium flower (36)

Roasted Maryland Black Bass
Sugar snap peas, baby artichokes, foie gras sauce (38)

Grilled Estancia Rib eye of Beef
Fingerling potato hash, Maitake mushrooms, Sauce Bearnaise (38): Excellent choice: the sauce was perfect

Skillet Roasted Fillet of Beef
Shoestring potatoes, blue cheese, water cross, Madeira (39)
*************************************************************************************

Chris' lawyer jokes (internal jokes of the day at www.mofo.com):

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Answer: Professional courtesy!

Throw a lawyer and a snake out of a plane --who dies first?
Answer: Who cares?

A lawyer buys some expensive Cuban cigars and insures them for $15,000 against loss by fire. He smokes all of them down to small butts, and files a "frivolous" claim. The Judge agrees with opposing counsel that the claim is frivolous but awards the lawyer his $15,000. On the day that the lawyer cashes the check, however, the insurance company charges him with arson. He is sentenced to 6 months in prison

BACCHUS KIRK: TRIVIA NIGHT: MAY 15, 2007

Match your wits with the best and the brightest at Bacchus Kirk:

QUESTIONS:

1. 400th anniversary celebration of first permanent English settlement. What is it?
2. World's largest Catholic country.
3. Name 2 companies in the recent Media deal.
4. New York City is trying to implement same parking structure as London, in last few days. What's it called.
5. What are 2 major Palestinian organizations fighting each other now?
6. Name 2 of the 5 top names for baby boys, as reported by Social Security Admin.
7. Ditto for baby girls.
8. Name of Star Trek 2.
9. Name high thin whiskey colored clouds which herald a bad weather front.
10.Cape Fear is on the coast of which State.
11.The Little Miami River is in which State?
12.Name City of Roses. You have two choices.
13.Name Mascot of Auburn University (in Alabama).
14.Android Dream of Electric Sheep was made into a Movie. What's it called?
15. Name of Star Trek 3.

Monday, May 14, 2007

HARLEM SLANG/SPUNK: THREE TALES BY ZORA NEALE HURSTON MAY 14, 2007

Lorraine Hansberry Theatre, 620 Sutter, San Francisco (415)474-8800. Welcome to the music of the 1930s Harlem Streets and rural deep South complements of Hurston's SPUNK trilogy, adapted by George C. Wolfe with the extraordinary singing of Kim Nalley in the lead, and C. Kelly Wright, who steals much of her thunder with her own "powerhouse blues pipes". I met Kelly's father, Paul, a retired boxer, who runs a boys' gym in Oakland. We shared a down home meal in the lobby of the theater: lasagna, green beans, carrots, pasta salad, sickeningly sweet punch concoction, and copious amounts of carrot cake. Paul has traveled around the world, "whipped it to the red", and was very proud of his Equity daughter, Kelly, who looked radiant!


I shared a Jewish haiku with him, and he, a Harlem slang glossary:

Basho: There is no subject whatever that is not fit for haiku.
Yiddish Proverb: This you call poetry?

Middle East Peace talks-
the parties reach agreement.
Falafel for lunch.


Air out- leave, flee, stroll
Astorperious- haughty, biggity
'Bam and down in 'Bam- down South
Beatin' up your gums- talking to no purpose
Beluthahatchie - next station beyond Hell
Bull-skating-bragging
Coal Scuttle blond-black woman
Collar a nod-sleep
Diddy-Way-Diddy-1)a far place. 2)suburb of Hell, built since ay before Hell wasn't no bigger than Baltimore.
Dumb to the fact-"You don't know what you're talking about."
Frail eel-pretty girl
Ginny Gall- another suburb of Hell
Granny Grunt-mythical character to whom most questions may be referred
I don't deal in coal-"I don't keep company with black woman"
jelly-sex
jump salty-get angry
peola-a very white Negro girl
piano on a platter-spare ribs (white rib bones suggest piano keys)
playing the dozens-low-rating the ancestors of your opponent
reefer-marijuana cigarette, also a drag
Russian-a Southern Negro up north "Rushed up here," hence a Russian
scrap iron-cheap liquor
solid-perfect
stroll-doing something well
Sugar Hill-Northwest sector of Harlem (the expression is distorted in the South to mean the Negro red light district)
The bear-confession of poverty
The Man - the law, or powerful boss
Thousand on a plate-beans
What's on the rail for the lizard-suggestion for moral turpitude
Whip it to the red-beat your head until it is bloody
Zoot suit with the reet pleat-Harlem style suit, padded shoulders, 43-inch trouser at the knee with cuff so small it needs a zipper to get into, high waistline, fancy lapels, bushels of buttons.

Friday, May 11, 2007

STEVEN WRIGHT: GEORGE BUSH HAD A QUICKSAND BOX IN HIS BACK YARD...WAS AN ONLY CHILD...EVENTUALLY!

My friend Hope Kochiss, retired Kindergarten teacher, New Haven, CT., supplied this joke from Steven Wright. I just changed the name to George Bush. Here's Steve but you have to imagine him doing that monotone mumble and flat lined vocal cadence:

Having sex with his girlfriend was like being at a concert--a lot of screaming, yelling, throwing of frisbees, and when she wanted more, she lit a match.

When I (read: George Bush) was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I had a dream midgets were trying to assassinate me, so I bought a bullet-proof car. But since they were midgets, I bought a convertible.

When I was a kid, I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. It pissed me off. I'll go over and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life."

When I was in the Boy Scouts, I tripped on the ice, and hurt my ankle, a little old lady had to help me across the street.

You think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter?

My theory on Evolution? I think Darwin was adopted.

On weather: If it's zero degrees out today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be???

Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

CONAN O'BRIEN AT THE ORPHEUM; MAY 2, 2007: ROBIN WILLIAMS: LICENSE TO WED

Orpheum Theater, Market Street, May 2, 2007. Robin descends from replica of the Golden Gate Bridge. Attack of the 20-foot comedian. "Jump". You're up on the bridge, and they say JUMP, like a group of people who wait for you outside of rehab: "Have a drink, my friend." So nice for you to have this here, Conan, for those considering suicide -- to get used to it! You can sell it to China, use it for flowers, or take it over to Oakland and possibly use it for repair of the Bay Bridge - it's structurally sound and able to take a temperature of 3,000 Fahrenheit!

Market Street is a little like 42nd Street without Disney. We have 2 or 3 theaters and the rest is Adult Entertainment. Mr. Sticky butts, seats, feet. If you walk down Market Street, hang a left,you'll be in the Mission! Buy the fattest burrito in town! If you keep walking, you'll be in Boys Town (Castro). A bar named Moby Dick, i.e., "take a chance." Is your name Queequeg? Don't be afraid of the leg, I sharpened it for you.

Sam Wo (co-sponsored Conan O'Brien, along with Intel) is Martha Stewart's favorite restaurant. Now that she's out of prison, she's pretty much eating out all the time. Go to the Sunset District where there are Irish bars always singing songs--start out depressed and end up happy. Irish dirge: Your mother she did drown that night/upon the lighted store/I never told you this/ but your aunt she was a whore. Your father made a living putting in the parquet floor/Piss in your hat and get away/we're dancing on the door. (Tralala)

I'm obsessed with the Discovery Channel: Planet Earth. Some of the birds really have to clean up the mating area. Intense. Insect world. Black widow spiders. When they give head, they mean it. Praying mantis bites your head off. Sea turtles are the rough ones. She's about 120 years old. First of all, never get a turtle as a pet, leave them in your Will because they're going to live longer than you. You'll be dying, and the turtle's like, I'm just a child.

Movie: License to Wed. Boot Camp for people thinking of getting married. I play an unconventional reverend who has a 2-week preparation course before you get married in his church. Here's the drill: you're going to have to give up everything: no more sex, that's gone. Then we're gonna put you in a small box, and have people tell you stuff you wouldn't even read in Penthouse! (Laughter). Marriage is a long program...and you find out why some animals eat their young. Learn how to survive, be honest, fight fairly, and all those other things marriage involves. That's how you survive!

SLANTED DOOR/OUT THE DOOR: CHARLES PHAN'S URBANE VIETNAMESE/TUESDAY NIGHT TRIVIA: BACCHUS KIRK; MAY 8, 2007

The Slanted Door, 1 Ferry Building/Market St. (415-861-8032)Sister restaurant;www.slanteddoor.com. Out the Door (Westfield San Francisco Centre (Old Emporium); 845 Market Street. 11-9 Monday-Saturday; 11-8 Sunday. Charles Phan's urbane Vietnamese is the standard setter for this upscale neck of the woods in the heart of downtown San Francisco. A few of the phos I spoke with fear throngs of tourists. Their fears have been realized. Do you remember The Slanted Door in the Mission (on Valencia) in years past, when the Rolling Stones ate there. Phan has come a long way.

Les, stay-at-home bookseller, chef extraordinnaire, my wacky lacky, and I made our way to this crowded, beautiful restaurant in the Lower Level Food Court. We were greeted by a French-speaking hostess and we celebrated Les' "27-again" Birthday lured by Saigon sensations. He was disappointed; I was not. He can cook; I can not! Afterwards, I asked him what the best part of lunch was: the MOTION ACTIVATED WATER FOUNTAIN/SPIGOTS inside the Centre. Awesome! Here's what Les/I would recommend:

Rolls/Salad:
Fresh vegetarian spring rolls with tofu, shiitake mushrooms, cabbage, mint and peanut sauce (7.5)

Vermicelli/Noodles:
Alaskan halibut with turmeric, peanuts, fresh dill and pineapple-anchovy sauce over rice vermicelli (11.5)

Meat
Chicken clay pot with caramel sauce. This is Phan's signature dish and a must-have! It was tremendous in my opinion. "Bland"; "dumbed down cuisine for white guys" (Les)

Vegetables
Star Route baby chard, kale, and mizuna with garlic. (7) I've had better that I've sauteed myself.

Dessert:
Ginger tapioca with spicy ginger syrup and Asian pear (6).

Les: Let me show you how to write! (Hastily scribbled in my notebook):

"He: I was married for seven years and one morning, he stopped touching
me.
Me: He stopped touching me because he was dead. There was a knife sticking
out of his chest."

Wacky lacky, indeed.

Did you know Garum is fermented fish, and when mixed with lime juice, white rice vinegar, sugar, garlic, shallots, fresh chilies is called NUOC CHAM, a wonderful dipping sauce? Look for Squid Brand Fish Sauce, which is the best, in Asian markets. It should read, CA COM, made only with anchovies.(Life is Meals; Salters)

May Out the Door continue to thrive!
______________________________________________________________________________
BACCHUS KIRK: TRIVIA NIGHT : May 8, 2007.

Met Chris, who works as a software developer for MOFO, a large SF law firm. We made a date for the following week: Farallon! He wants to humor me with seafood and lots of lawyer jokes! It should be fun!

1. What is the tunnel north of the Golden Gate Bridge?
2. North Star found on which Constellation?
3. Julius Caesar or Caesar Augustus: Who was Roman Emperor at Christ's birth?
4. John C. Leavy Tunnel in San Francisco: What's its other name?
5. Term that means to pickle in vinegar or brine?
6. Torso of women with wings and feet of bird?
7. Fire breathing monster: goat, snake, lion?
8. Boy of man with head of bull.
9. Jayhopper State.
10.Young and Rubican: One of the largest firms in which industry?
11.Russian abbreviation equivalent of U.S.S.R.?
12.Name song/group that sang about having to shout above din of eating rice crispies.
13.Microsoft system: "system is busy" symbol?
14.Al Gore is President of what TV channel?
15.Boiling point of water on Centigrade scale?

Monday, May 7, 2007

6-YEAR OLDS/FIRST GRADERS SURPRISE-HUMOR!

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb, and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are lst graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ...Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power...of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
7. No news is...impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...math.
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust...me.
12.The pen is mightier than the...pigs.
13.An idle mind is the best way to...relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's...pollution.
15.Happy the bride who gets all the...presents.
16.A penny saved is...not much.
17.Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as...Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...see in the picture on the box.
24.When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.
25.Better late than...pregnant.


Thanks to Spike, an old, dear friend and Certified Clown in Los Angeles! Have a great week!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

CHUCK PALAHNIUK: BOOKSMITH RANT TOUR 5/4/07: GIVES ME A BOUQUET OF PHONY FLOWERS WORTH MEGABUCKS IN 2030!

5/4/07. Booksmith, 1644 Haight St. (863-8688); Page Street Public Library. Chuck Palahniuk, bestselling author of books including The Fight Club, Survivor, Invisible, Monsters, Choke, Haunted, Stranger than Fiction, appeared at the Page Street Public Library to SRO fanatics.

Place this bet in your time capsule. Chuck Palahniuk's novels will be required reading in American literature classes 100 years from now.

He kicked off his tour of latest book, Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey. (Doubleday, 2007). The epigram reads: Do you ever wish you'd never been born? Here's the opening line to Rant:

Like most people, I didn't meet Rant Casey until after he was dead, that's how is works for most celebrities. After they croak, their circle of friends just explodes.

Here's the closing line: The rest of you gaddamn losers. Enjoy your death.


The book is written in style of a oral history -- multiple sources are questioned about a shared experience. (See Capote by George Plimpton).

Chuck's fiction is a little bit different: characters who pretend to choke on food while dining at upscale restaurants, plane crashes, fight clubs, haunted houses, Judas cows -- what will he think of next? How about murder, bee swarms, government enforced segregation, car-crashing teenagers, and time travel all mixed together and bathed in biblical overtones and let's not forget rape!

Did the fire marshal knew how many people were in this room? Chuck was in the backroom pumping up gigantic moose heads, arranging the phony bouquets of flowers, signing books he would be giving away to people who "asked" questions, and trivia based on his bestselling books and movies. I was the lucky one who sat front and center and asked the first question (and received the bouquet and 2 signed copies of his favorite books, the dark and funny Clown Girl (Monica Drake), and the funniest, dirtiest, smartest book seen in years, Obscene Interiors.

Question (Me, Anna Rowe):
Vladimir Nabokov said we don't read so much as REREAD books. What is the last book you've reread?
A: I just reread a memoir about a woman named Lucy Greely called Autobiography of a Face. Lucy has lost most her face to cancer as a small child. Entire jaw was gone. I didn't know that when I was writing Invisible Monsters, and I ended up meeting her in New York with Amy Hempel. That was shortly before she committed suicide and rereading that book with its upbeat ending and knowing that she would kill herself within a couple of years just gave that book an enormous meaning that it didn't have the first go-through. (He gave me the bouquet and the two books). Beautiful!

Q: In the novel The Fight Club, what disease do people suffer from if they attend support group called "above and beyond"?
A: Brain Parasites.

He then read a story called Cold Calling, passed out a passel of joke cigarettes, answered a question about the Judas Cow (yes, they calm the other cows down before they're lead to slaughter).

Q: Why was Rant done in oral history form?
A: 1. I find the form incredibly readable. It's like eating potato chips. You get the meat of each moment - it keeps you reading compulsively.
2. If you use a non-fiction form, you can tell a really incredible story. This form will invest that story with a credibility and a gravity it would not have whether it's Orson Welles doing War of the Worlds, Martians invading the world. But if you do it on a broadcast in non-fiction form...it's believable. Fargo...Bullshit. Convincing bullshit. In this form, you can tell a completely over-the-top story.
3. Form allows you to cut narrative like you would cut film, and you don't have to have constant transitions. You can cut from what needs to happen to what needs to happen...allows you to write in effective way, like a movie!

Q: (me, again): Chuck, you dedicated the book to your father. Is he still alive? You know, the story about keeping your head down and not looking up from the sidewalk?

A: That's a question that shouldn't have been asked. I dedicated book to my Dad, who was from the Idaho Panhandle and he was really self-conscious about being a hillbilly, that he had raised a whole passel of hillbillies. And, once my Mother was going to Spokane to have all of her teeth taken out, because it had been after she'd given birth to the last of us, and her teeth were really lousy from calcium loss, and she was going to have dentures at the ripe old age of 32. And while she was getting her teeth pulled, my father took us for a walk in downtown Spokane, a big city. My siblings were like these dirty Waltons. Beverly Hillbillies. Golly, Dad! It's the first time I'd been in an elevator, and I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. And my father got really angry, and he said: Goddamn it! Don't you kids look up anywhere from the sidewalk. I don't want these people to know we're a bunch of redneck filthy hillbillies. If you want them to think you're a hillbilly, just keep looking up at those tall buildings. So we spent the whole day walking around Spokane... I just wish my father had gotten past that self-imposed hillbilly identity. (How poignant, I thought).

It was cold, windy when I inched my way back alone (my friend, the photographer, Les had left early) to the MUNI and carried thoughts, my bouquet, books in my large "French" bag...What a memorable night! Chuck had been in good form and was up to his old tricks, and grateful he had graciouisly signed my copy of HAUNTED: "HAPPY NIGHTMARES!"

Funny, always on the edge of reality and bloodied by the profound horror of narcissim. (Playboy).

Monday, April 30, 2007

SAM'S GRILL AND SEAFOOD RESTAURANT: FINANCIAL MOGULS DROP ANCHOR; JOKES FOR THE DAY

Sam's Grill and Seafood Restaurant; 374 Bush Street (Kearny);421-0594; Monday-Friday, 9-9; Closed Sat/Sun. Samsgrill.citysearch.com;smsgrll@pacbell.net. The restaurant was established in 1867 and thankfully new owner, Phil Lyons has not tinkered with the basics: cozy, pleasant booths with curtains and fish!fish!fish!
This seafood stalwart is as dependable as the sunrise and is where movers and shakers, financial moguls drop anchor. Dialed-in tourists also head here for fish the way your grandfathers/grandmothers remember it.

This restaurant is old-school to the core with San Francisco atmosphere that's so authentic, you have to expect Sam Spade (Dashiell Hammett) to drop by. Expect to meet Frank, a snarky seasoned geezer waiter who probably knew Jonah and the whale, and genteel gracious greetings by the host. If you're a nostalgist, you'll love the memorabilia.

I arrived on a Friday night 4/27/07 with friend Peter. We were hankering for soup, salad, and a quiet place to talk! Our waiter indicated that the split pea soup was the "best" in SF. He actually made it. "And if you like it, I'll take you home for a dip in the swimming pool," he joked. Splish-splash! What a funghi was our balding quipster of a waiter.

Peter and I settled into the booth, and briefly discussed the movie we had seen/walked out on: A Self-Made Hero (1996). Directed by Jacques Audiad. About a dreamer of minimal skills who reinvents himself as a resistance hero near the end of World War II. A boring slog, we both agreed; an unfunny "satire". We perused the menu of Sam's which originated in what was called the California Market in 1867.

Michael Bolan Moraghan, a native of Ireland, began operating an oyster saloon that year at 68 California Market. The Market was an open-air meat, fish and produce emporium. The oyster saloon became famous. I've tasted Sam's scrumptious seafood many times, where fish are still wiggling and the gruff but friendly grey-haired waiters with "Senior Appeal" don't care if you are a pawn or a king. Just don't be a pauper, and don't grip about handing over hard-earned clams.

If you're craving Seafood or New York steak, here's what I recommend:

Asparagus with mustard sauce: 5
Split pea soup: Bowl 4; cup 3 (which waiter made earlier in the day); served with sour dough bread.
Sam's Special Seafood Salad (with crab): very fresh, large triangular, pyramid of a salad. Share this with your dining companion. 20.50
Linguini with Calamari: 13.00
Poached Alaskan King Salmon with Egg Sauce: 20
Sauteed Shellfish (Scallops, prawns, crab legs): 23.50
Charcoal Broiled Chicken 12
New York Steak 27. (One of the best steaks you'll find in San Francisco).
Spinach: 4
Apple pie: 5.


Joke for the day: What has 300 legs and 7 teeth?
A: Front row at a Willie Nelson Concert

Joke for yuppies: How can you tell when a female yuppie achieves orgasm?
A: She drops her briefcase!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

BACCHUS KIRK: TUESDAY NIGHT TRIVIA APRIL 24, 2007

Here's the week's trivia questions. Match wits with the best and brightest of San Francisco:

1. In the movie, "Office Space", what channel was the breast exam on?
2. Who is the artist behind comic strip, "Dilbert"?
3. In Europe, the song, "My Country 'Tis of Thee" is known as which song?
4. What is population of the third largest city of Texas?
5. Who was the father of Kim Jun Ill?
6. Who are the 3 B's of Classical music?
7. Who is composer of the the corporate theme song of United Airlines?
8. What are the 2 types of nerve cells in eye?
9. Four smallest States in land area?
10.What symbol on typewriter keyboard is known as Octothorp?
11.Name city with this airport code: PDX
12.Who was Martha Jane Canary?
13.Who is lead female broadcaster of Fox News?
14.What sort of airplane do Blue Angels fly?
15. Who wrote Symphony piece, "American in Paris?"

Monday, April 23, 2007

VENTICELLO: NOB HILL TUSCAN CHARM; JACKIE MASON: MR. POLITICALLY INCORRECT AT OXFORD CAMPUS, 1992!

Venticello, Nob Hill, 1257 Taylor (at Washington);(415)922-2545 has as its motto: Chia Mangia Bene, Vive Bene! (Whoever eats well, lives well). It may have rustic Italian charm but the chef is Irish: Seamus Cronin, and he's tweaked the menu. I spoke briefly with the surrogate chef Martinus, who hales from south central Mexico. He was very warm, gracious and busy! This restaurant enchants, with cable cars clanging up the hill; wood-burning stove all fired up, it has an authentic Tuscan feel. This is an enchanting place for a marriage proposal (there was one the night Zontar and I arrived), celebration of an anniversary (ditto), a place even to take your date to meet her parents!

The restaurant caters to Nob Hill (some call it Snob Hill) neighbors. The most striking thing is the floor-length oak framed mirror, where you can adjust your tie, or just tie one on! Saturday nights are crowded and noisy so be prepared to sit cheek by jowl, so it's better to come on a Sunday night. I spoke with a retired couple who frequent this place once a week and had enjoyed the pork medallions with rum syrup ("excellent" and "presentation was good"); polenta with portobello mushrooms drizzled with balsamic; and herb and goat cheese ravioli in a fresh roma tomato, basil, garlic sauce. They also enjoyed the brownie with ice cream.

The last time I ate at this upscale restaurant, I had spaghetti and old-fashioned meatballs. I recollect asking my date, "What's so special about spaghetti and meatballs?" "The price", he said simply. They were the best I had ever tasted (outside of Italy, of course). Now the new signature dish is spaghetti carbonara! And it is equally a great comfort food special. Hats off to Seamus Cronin:

Here's what I recommend:

Appetizer: Shaved Beef tenderloin with caperberries, wild arugula, aged parma in a white truffle vinaigrette. (9)

Salad:
Radicchio cup filled with roasted beets, tomatoes and arugula in a tarragon caper vinaigrette. (9) EXCELLENT!

Mixed greens with bell peppers, olives, mushrooms, brersola and feta cheese in a tuscan vinaigrette. (10) VERY TASTY, FRESH, ORGANIC VEGETABLES.

Spaghetti Carbonara: spaghetti in a pancetta cream sauce. (17)

Grilled pork tenderloin medallions with balsamic rum syrup. (23)

Sauteed chicken breast with wild mushrooms and marsala wine. (23)
*********************************
We shared our reminiscences about Jackie Mason LIVE AT OXFORD, ENGLAND CAMPUS; 1992.

Jackie Mason is the quintessential New Yorker. Here's some of his schtick!

Don't tell a Jewish girl she looks too Jewish, you might wind up under a truck!

The way to achieve status is to go to college. Once they need you, they won't persecute you! That's why every son became a doctor, unless a little retarded, then a lawyer. If his/her mind doesn't work at all, then an accountant.

Question: Rabbi and comic similar?
Answer: Most people who come to the Temple or church would rather hear jokes than a sermon! Only time people comes religious is when they're about to die -- they turn to religion. The cat dies, that's it! But if the sister dies, she goes to heaven, or Pittsburgh, somewhere! People want to be entertained in church because they don't want to be there in the first place.

Question: Any subject so distasteful, can't laugh at?
Answer: You won't say the same thing to grandmother as a friend. I use no vulgar language. No 4-letter words. We all censor our thoughts. England is the most polite society in the world. Hay hello, and people start apologizing. "So sorry"!

Question: What is your favorite Jewish food?
Answer: Gentiles are always looking for a drink; Jews are looking for rolls and butter. Never see a Jew in a bar unless he got lost looking for cake and coffee. For Jews, life is a ritual about eating.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY: IRISH REBELLION/REEL/REEL

The Wind that Shakes the Barley (Clay Theater; Pacific Heights). If this film by Ken Loach, English and Marxist (is that a dubious proposition?)filmmaker and Paul Laverty, veteran Screenwriter does not receive an Academy Award Nomination for BEST "foreign" film of 2007, there is no justice in Hollywood. It won the Palme D'Or at Cannes in 2006, and with good reason.

On Tuesday, April 17, 2007, I accompanied a short story writer/San Francisco native, Mark, to the Landmark Clay theater, Pacific Heights, on the very day a solemn vigil was being held in Virginia. A sociopathic, mass murderer (23-year-old Cho), filled with self-hatred and self-absorption, had slaughtered 33 students and faculty members of Virginia Tech wearing a maroon beret, and expertly wielding a 22 rifle and 9 millimeter gun. The nation was reeling!

It was a cool, sunny day and when I stood in line for the film WIND...I was expecting just another polemic of how the English abused the Irish, County Cork, 1920's. What I experienced was a profoundly passionate immersion into a personalized feud between 2 brothers, which humanizes a bloody chapter in the British imperial divide-and-conquer mentality, system imposed on the fledgling Irish Free State.

Cillian Murphy, as Damien, is brilliantly transcendent as an idealist, a romantic, who literally stick to his guns and to hell with the consequences! He plays a medical student on his way back to London when he witnesses an atrocity committed by the British occupying forces on a train platform. The Irish engineer refuses to drive the train with British soldiers on board. FATE intervenes, Damien ends up missing the train, and ends up swearing an oath to the Irish Republican Army. He joins a ragtag guerrilla gang led by his younger brother, Teddy (Padraic Delaney). In Loach's artful hands, injustice is no simplistic matter.

In a pivotal scene that cuts to the core of the movie's vise-like grip on our emotions, Murphy's Damien is grieving for a deed he has not yet committed. He is about to shoot a childhood friend in the heart for betraying the rebels. With agonized body language, Murphy conveys all the horrendous, irreparable damage of war, and then adds bluntly: "I studied anatomy for five years. Now I'm going to shoot Chris Reilly in the heart. I hope this Ireland we're fighting for is worth it."

The movie sure as hell is! In fact, it requires a second viewing, especially if there are cellphones lighting up during the infamous torture scene (not as successful as it could have been). I complained and received another ticket. I suggest you do the same if signs are NOT posted and you are distracted.

The film is riveting and highly recommended. Mr. Roach peoples his film with superb luminous actors. We ask ourselves this profound question: Is Damien an egotistical, narcissistic monster, or a tragic martyr? Is that distinction capacious?
As a friend recently opined, a strict definition of a martyr is someone who bears witness. Nowadays, reversedly, to bear witness is to be a martyr: a new, contemporary formula.

See the film! It brilliantly depicts with brutal honesty, English, actually British, acts of violence but also the often heartless tactics of the IRA. Why? Because there is nothing like an inventive, nuanced film to lift you out of the real world!

Monday, April 16, 2007

EL RAIGON: North Beach's Argentinian Red Meat Temple; WC FIELDS' IDEAL MARRIAGE

El Raigon; 510 Union Street (Grant);(415)291-0927; www.elraigon.com;elchefjeff@msn.com Dinner nightly from 5:00 until 10:30. This is as close to Argentina as Bay Area gringos will ever get. I came here with my friend Brent, a writer who has a retentive mind, had just finished reading Carlotta Monti's biography, W.C. Fields and Me (1971). I asked him to recite some lines on W.C.Fields' view of marriage. Do you remember that "Bill" ran away from home at the age of 9, committed petty larceny, moved in with his grandma for a while in Philadelphia, drove shot-gun on a horse-drawn ice wagon, was a wheezy-toned"tramp juggler", and pool shark? He made his "fortune" in the movies, of course...who can forget his character portrayals as "Cuthbert Twittie" and "Egbert Souse"? Who didn't make fun of his bulbous proclivities.

Born in 1879 "Uncle Willie" sadly died Christmas Day, 1946 of alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. He lived by his own rules and knew that it was "disposition" and not "position" that matters: laughter was the way to live life!

W.C. Fields:

Ah yes, marriage! I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

Marriage is a two-way proposition but never let the woman know she's one of the ways.

Never trust your wife behind your back, even if she claims she only wants to wash or scratch it.

In marriage a man must give up many of his old and pleasant habits, even if it means giving up the woman he married.

Always have a woman sign a pre-nuptial agreement that if she leaves your bed and board, she takes off with as little cash as possible.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Marriage is easier than leprosy, because it's easier to get rid of.

An ideal start for matrimony would be to have a drunken rabbi perform a Catholic ceremony in an Episcopalian church. Then it could be declared illegal in the courts.


Back to El Raigon. This gorgeous "red meat temple" is covered in hides and gaucho memorabilia. One of three owners, Will Harris, spent 7 years in Argentina and this restaurant serves the best beef in the city: grass-fed, Piedmontese breed grown in Montano or Uruguay. All steaks are grilled estancio style over charcoal and almond wood by Chef Jeff Addington, raised in Sausalito, a prior Sushi Ran Chef. He's a happy-go-lucky, red-head who is quick with the joke, friendly. The restaurant had lost its "100 Best in Bay Area" rating but in Playboy, May, 2007, it ranks No. 6. He was elated about that!

All meals come with bread and chimchurri sauce (the steak is drizzled with it): olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, herbs!

Here's my recommendations:

Argentian sausage. (7) Straightforward, brilliant taste.

Arugula: avocado, parmesan cheese, red wine vinaigrette. Delicate, tasty. (7)

Tapa de Ojo de Bife (Center cut rib eye): this had a nice smoky taste and was served with a side of mashed squash. 31.

Sides are seasonal and are 7. The squash was perfectly sweet and delicious but too sweet as a companion to steak. (Comment: why not start a fad and serve it as dessert?)

Bombe de Chocolate: dark chocolate mousse with mango, strawberry, raspberry sauce:To Die For should be its name! 7.


Downstairs in the VIP, the talk was of irrelevant Don Imus, and would he be back on satellite radio? Of course! Upstairs, Jeff was happy at his grill and writing down for me his favorite "Last Supper" menu on my "Spring Stroll" card:

Tapa de Ojo de Bife (Rib eye), roast potatoes, asparagus.

Cef Jeff Addigton works hard to satisfy his meat lovers (there was even a vegetarian at the table next door who frequents El Raigon). He even put his mother on a "meat and salad" diet! On the way out, I asked him: how can you tell when Pinocchio is in love? "When he has a woody?" he whispered! Close but he didn't get the cigar. What would Egbert Souse have said? I loved El Raigon, and you will too!

Friday, April 13, 2007

VIVANDE PORTA VIA: PLUNGE INTO SEA OF PASTA, MUSSELS, WORDS/JOKE FOR THE DAY: APRIL 12, 2007

Joke for the day: How many Pentium chips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 1.59999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999


Vivande Porta Via; 2125 Fillmore (between California/Sacramento); (415 346-4440;www.vivande.com;mark@vivande.com. I came tripping lightly to this upscale Italian restaurant whose owner/cookbook author/brains, Carlo Middione, opened the doors in 1981. It was a gorgeous spring day, and I had a song in my heart from the days of WWI:

What's the use of worrying?
It never was worthwhile
So, pack up your troubles in your old Kit-Bag,
And SMILE, SMILE, SMILE (1915, George Asaf).


I met a retired dermatologist, David, who had just moved in this Pacific Heights neighborhood, and he was truly technologically challenged (he had accidentally hit the delete button on his cellphone). It took a long time to make a lunch date. I remembered that Groucho Marx was one of his heroes. What was his favorite "Groucho" anecdote?

Groucho was interviewing a male guest on his show, YOU BET YOUR LIFE, who had 20 children - that's almost a record.
Groucho: How come you have so many children?
Guest: I love my wife.
Groucho: I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth sometimes.
(Does Arnold ever take the stogies out of his mouth? Sigmund Freud, aficionado of cigar, aptly replied when asked if it was a phallic symbol: Sometime a cigar is only a cigar).


Would you believe "Tricky Dick" Nixon watched this show? Can you name the 5 Marx brothers, David asked. Yes! What about Beano? Beano was no Marx bro; rather, Gummo, or maybe he was thinking of Zeppo! Back to the food:

Try to find better pasta, risotto, fennel sausage, spinach salad, roast chicken, fried oysters, pecorino, primavera, or Mediterranean Mussels. I dare you. I met the executive chef, Mark Santino, the "brawn", a San Jose native, who's been at Vivande since 2001. I give him award for most outstanding chef for "upstanding" hair-do. We played a game. I asked him which dish on the lunch menu he would pick for his "Last Supper". Can you say TORTA ZABAGLIONE?

I was hankering to reel in a salmon or sole but for lunch, I 86'd the plan. (These are served at dinner). I am a bivalve lover. Did you know mussels are called "the poor man's oysters" because of their abundance and reasonable price? David, who grew up outside of Boston, told me they were routinely "discarded". In Europe they've been cultivated for more than 8 centuries, and are a supreme delicacy.

Here are my choices for this authentic, award-winning restaurant, which makes fresh pasta from durum and semolina flours and eggs;grinds, seasons its own sausage from a time-tested sicilian family recipe, and does NOT welcome cellphones! If you bring the kids, they can entertain themselves by drawing on the brown paper tabletops provided: a great idea!

6 deep-fried oysters served with tangy house relish: 9.0

fettucine alle cozze: mussels, white wine, marinara sauce, and fresh parsley: 13.25
ANNA'S VERDICT: Pasta was exquisite; the mussels unfortunately were rubbery and overcooked.

risotta alla sbirraglila: policeman's risotto from the veneto -chicken, carrots,celery; grated parmesan: 16.50

pollo arrosto: cold roast chicken with fettuccine vegetable salad and balsamic roasted onion: 12.50

baby spinach, ricotta salata, toasted pine nuts and lemon vinaigrette: 6.57

Wine of the day: Rosso: 2004 Chianti Classico 7.75/34.00.

I gave David, a Harvard graduate/scholar,who lost his wife to ovarian cancer, and a man of needless words, a goodbye hug, and recited my favorite quote from Hamlet:

Polonius: What do you read, my lord?
Hamlet: Words, words, words!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

PAZZIA DELIVERS DELECTABLE PIZZA/BELLISMA CUISINE

Pazzia;337 Third (Between Folsom and Harrison);(415)512-1693. Hours: 11:30-2:30;5:30-10:00(Monday-Saturday; Saturday until 10:30. You'll feel like you're eating in Firenze (Florence, where there's at sister restaurant, J. Ghibellini) at Massimo Ballerini's Soma Restaurant. Come for lunch so you won't have to vye for a table with hustler-bustlers or defray the expenses with your firstborn. Loyalists love its genuine Italian atmosphere, and you'll easily become friends with the owner. Massimo married an American girl and is a proud father of newborn. He greeted me and PJ Max (raconteur/chessplayer/bon vivant) with open arms, in the Florentine fashion!

Before we squeezed into the space, and I asked PJ, is it true being married reduces the risk of heart attack --or anything exciting, really? Hm...

We sat down facing the mural: Roberto Begnini "haunting"/overlooking Florence with his hands clasped to his head. PJ: I hope he's not just had one of their pizzas! A wood-fired Tuscan style pizza just what we came for and it was a brilliantly sunny day in paradise. We decided not to dine al fresco. We perused the Daily Specials consisting of fresh mussels (11);lasagna(15);spaghetti carbonara (15);linguini(16);gnocchi(15);risotto(19);salmon(25);filet mignon (25);sauteed chicken (16);veal scalopine (23); spinach salad (11). Regulars know the trick is to stick with Chef Sergio's specials.

We decided to share a razor-thin crusted pizza, spinach salad, red wine, expresso coffee:

Insalata Di Gamberi: spinach with grilled prawns in vinaigrette dressing. (11) The prawns were "reddish orange with traces of a white underbelly." (PJ clowning).

Diavolo 10" pizza: Tomato sauce, mozzarella and spicy sausage. (10) Delivered quickly and was delectable but crust a little underbaked (my chef friend who tasted leftovers reminded me vociferously). I loved the copious amount of cheese, really, you can't go wrong with the "perfect" pizza at this upscale joint. The crust was razor-thin and lovingly but a little too hastily prepared! Make sure you get there well before closing, ok? But on a scale of 10, I'd give it a 9.

Are you a Bay Area pescaterian and hooked on salmon?

Grilled fresh salmon in crudaiola sauce with fresh tomatoes, capers and onion. Delightful! (25)

Massima recommended the Sangiovese Toscana, 2003 (7.50). I shared a glass with PJ. How did the oenophile enthusiast describe it? Seriously, he's hardly a vitaculture graduate. "Eclectic with traces of boysenberry." Ever the clown! My suggestion: Non-alcoholic beer on the menu for those hot days coming up! Massimo provides an extensive wine list of Italian whites/reds at reasonable prices. In the summer bring a ping pong paddle to battle the fruit flies!

We skipped dessert but can highly recommend this place for desserts and coffee after a night at the movies at Metreon. Massima will be razing the south green wall and come November, a bar lounge will add to this charming spot at "Ponte Vecchio West". Pay a visit and he'll make you feel like a long lost relative!


Peter's joke for the day:

A nasty, irascible Beethoven was working on a new composition. His paramour Brunhilda comes in.
She: I've decided to leave you, Beethoven.
He: I'm a sweet, kind, gentle, person, how can you leave me?
She: ha ha ha ha (hums opening notes of Beethoven's 9th Symphony.


Anna's Joke for the Day: (to a random Canadian) So you're French and Canadian --you're obnoxious AND dull. (When not bringing laughter to world and pooping on things, find out what www.triumphtheinsultdog.com does)

BACCHUS KIRK: TUESDAY APRIL 10, 2007 TRIVIA NIGHT: ARE YOU GAME?

BACCHUS KIRK/TUESDAYS TRIVIA QUESTIONS:

1.Which country was hijacked today?
2.Timbucktu is in which African country?
3. Imus insulted which basketball team?
4. What is the proposed image,amount of Forever Stamp?
5. What type of whale beached itself; where?
6. Apple published the results: millions of IPODS today! How many have been sold?
7. City with largest population in Kentucky?
8. What sporting event commemorates Greek Victory over Persia?
9. Name thing you hit during British game of badminton.
10.Name 3 States with highest population of Amish.
11.Who were 3 San Francisco mayors BEFORE Willie Brown?
12.Theater where Shakespeare's plays were performed?
13.Name award given for outstanding baseball pitcher.
14.Name current, former Chief Justice of Supreme Court.
15.Name London area with "high-end" tailors?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

BIRTHDAY BASH AT TIERNAN'S IRISH PUB: FISHERMAN'S WHARF

Tiernan's Irish Pub; Fisherman's Wharf opposite Buena Vista overlooking the Cannery is THE place for a birthday bash Saturday nights. Irish-Italian stallion Terry Savastano (terrysavastano@aol.com)is from Oxford, England and entertains with his electric Martin D-18. He came "home" to San Francisco after hiatus on East Coast (Hilton Head; Sarasota) and lyrically "channels" the Beatles, Dylan, Paul Simon, Jim Croce, Sting, Irish, Scottish folk ballads. Terry sells his CDs (one had sold out; the other? "only 5,000 left for the other CD", he joked). Do you want to hear Norwegian Wood, Operator, The Boxer, or Billy Joel's "The Piano Man"? Laugh? Singalong? Have lots of fun at Fisherman's Wharf? He has the lyrical strummings of a virtuoso. He should. He's been fingering the guitar/piano ever since he was a wee laddie!

Sing us a song, you're the piano man/Sing us a song tonight.
'Cause we're all in the mood for a melody/You got us feeling alright!
La de da de de da!
The waitress is practising politics...we're all sharing a drink called loneliness but it's better than drinking alone...it's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday...the manager gives me a smile...to forget about life for a while.


The crowd roared! Terry is an charming geezer with wit, humor and the joie de vivre of a 12-year old. The boomer dude plays Saturdays nights circa 8:00 p.m. Check out this San Francisco musical treasure with a group of friends. Welcome back, Terry, you are a true blue gem! We love you!