BACCHUS KIRK; AUGUST 28, 2007

It was a superbad Tuesday night for trivia in San Francisco...match your wits with the best and the brightest. The answers will follow:

1.1,000 Splendid Suns has been on the NY Times best seller list for weeks. Name the author.
2.Who won 2006 Grammy best record; name the record.
3.Manager, MVP winning team of 1989 world series.
4.Who won the Academy Award for Best Picture, year 2000.
5.Greek god Ares was representative of what; name the Roman counterpart.
6.Name of airline, type of plane, location of Asian crash recently.
7.Name South American city, country where short runway caused a disaster.
8.Author of Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.
9.Name 3 corporate failures which caused passage of SOX.
10.The Conn-Smythe is awarded for what?
11.Periodic symbol for mercury.
12.Which organization issues Pulitzer Prize; name 3 categories.
13.Which California County is largest in the country, geographically speaking.
14.Without counting utilities and railroads, how many property spaces are on Monopoly Board?
15.What Playboy model played role of Lisa the Tool Girl on Home Improvement.

ANSWERS:
1.Khaled Hosseini.
2.Dixie Chicks. Not Ready to Make Nice.
3.Oakland A's. Tony La Russa and Dave Stewart.
4.Gladiator.
5.God of War; Mars.
6.China Airlines; 737; Japan crash.
7.Sao Paulo, Brazil.
8.James Joyce.
9.Enron Worldcom, Tyco.
10.MVP- Hockey League; Stanley Cup Playoffs.
11.HG
12.Columbia University. Print Journalism, Literary Achievement, Musical Competition.
13.San Bernadina
14.22 Spaces
15.Pamela Anderson

PESCE: INTRIGUING SMALL PLATES FISH JOINT; HUMOR OF FRED ALLEN

Pesce; 2227 Polk Street (Green); 928-8025 is an intriguing, convivial place where the fish are still wiggling. The creative North Italian (Venetian) vittles made with organic ingredients is a Russian Hill neighborhood-er with scrumptious seafood served on small plates that aren't small in flavor. Affordable prices add to the appeal. I came here with my best friend Zontar, and we share thoughts on the pro's and cons of living in San Francisco. Someone said we were given l tongue and 2 ears so we should listen twice as much and I've been listening to a lot of people who are wild about the City-by-the-Bay. Weather, diversity of food, ethnic neighborhoods, cultural amenities top the list. Cons? Freedom not to associate with sports nuts (me). Can smell crab at Fisherman's Wharf but can't go swimming there (boo hoo). If you decide to eat at Pesce, here's what I would recommend:

Rucola: baby organic arugula, saved fennel, Parmesan and lemon. (6)
Oysters: today's selection of oysters on the half shell (A.Q.)
Linguine: Dungeness crab, garlic, white wine and chili flakes. (12)
Salmone: Sustainably raised Atlantic salmon, pesto and fregula sardo (13).
Desserts:Vanilla bean gelato, brownies, chocolate and whipped cream. (7).

HUMORIST RADIO VETERAN FRED ALLEN WAS FAMOUS FOR SAYING HOLLYWOOD IS A GREAT PLACE IF YOU ARE AN ORANGE:
An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I have just returned from Boston.. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
During Samuel Johnson days we had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small guys enjoying big talk.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
You can take all of the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for 3 caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

TON KIANG: DISAPPOINTING DIM SUM JOINT; BILL MAHER ON E-BIRTHDAY CARDS

Ton Kiang, 5821 Geary Blvd., (22nd Avenue);387-8273;www.tonkiang.net. It's located at the end of the earth and it's not worth the effort to get to this Outer Richmond Hakkan Chinese restaurant that's always mobbed with crazy long lines because the so-called reward is dim sum at its best. Or so the Marketing wiz kids would have us believe. The choices go beyond the ubiquitous dumplings. Is that a good thing? A good friend, Richard, and I celebrated my birthday early evening before the hordes arrived. I interrogated the English-speaking waiters about the ubiquitous MSG. I wondered if we were just a couple of dumb, stupid Caucasians seduced by white tablecloths, fine wine, etc. Yep, they were very proud of their "flavoring" salt it seems. If you don't go for the dim sum or fresh sea bass (recommended), DON"T try the following:

Sole fillets sauteed with snap peas in house chili sauce made with ginger, cottonseed oil, salt, msg. Second rate fish, tasted like it was warmed over and the listless waiter did not serve it at the same time as the chicken.(14.50)...

Ton Kiang steamed salt baked chicken (1/2). (10.50). Is this a joke? What is it? Steamed? Salt? Baked? This was a real disappointment. Not recommended.

White Rice. (2)
Beringer Wine (merlot) (8)

Humor of the Old Curmudgeon Bill Maher:

Sending someone a birthday e-card doesn't count. If you can't get your shit together enough to go to Sav-On and pick out an actual physical birthday card, don't bother. I'm not expecting Hallmark. I know you don't care enough to send the "very best," but just don't send the very worst, or else, when you die, I'll be forced to deliver an e-eulogy.

Kids, they're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
I don't dislike children. I just don't particularly want to hang around them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.

Oh, and did I mention we owe China a trillion dollars. We're not on a bridge to the 22nd century, we're on a bus to Atlantic City with a roll of quarters.

Ice dancing is not a sport. Take away the skates and sequins, it's just a public wife-beating. If you saw this happening in a trailer park, you'd call the cops.

New Rule: When Pres. George W. Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.

Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a bright idea about how to fix Social Security.

New Rule: Stop saying you're resigning because you want to spend more time with the family or return to the private sector, or because of your health. That's all code for "I'm about to be indicted.".

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of the services along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

RISTORANTE UMBRIA: SOMA HOMEY JEWEL;RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S HUMOR

Ristorante Umbria; 198 Second Street (Howard);546-6985. www.ristoranteumbria.com Generous and tasty, traditional straight outta Umbria dishes make it worth the fight to get into this homey SOMA Italian jewel during the crowded lunch hour, especially if you score a curbside table, or if you're attending a performance at Yerba Buena Center. Owner Giulio who's so omnipresent he should be a politician was noticeably absent from the Friday pre-birthday lunch (my 29th) that it was a welcome relief! My dining mate, Peter, brought an unbloggable/politically incorrect joke which he made me promise not to blog but we did share some Rodney Dangerfield humor! I would recommend the following dishes:

Rigatoni Amatriciana: De Cecco rigatoni pasta sauteed with pancetta, white onion, fresh tomato and white wine. (12.00)

Pesce del giorno: Salmon grilled with lemon; green beans, potatoes (18.75/dinner) for lunch). One of the best salmon lunches in the city!

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

He said...
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray AFTER the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
I told my buddies that my wife cut our sex back to once a month. They said, "Don't feel so bad, she cut some of us off altogether."

KULETO'S: HAPPY, NOISY AL FORNO ITALIAN STANDBY; STEVEN MARTIN ON THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW

Kuleto's; Villa Florence Hotel; 221 Powell; 397-7720. This is a happy, noisy Union Square standby. This handsome trattoria/wine bar is a welcome port for tourists, theatergoers, tired shoppers at Macy's across the street. All delight in the dependable al forno Italian eats. An aging Troy Donahue look-alike, Kent, and I got a table in front of the exhibition-style kitchen, which is great to watch, especially if your perch is at the excellent bar among the buzzy crowd. Here's what I would recommend:

Baked eggplant filled with herbed ricotta, fresh mozzarella, spicy marinara (9.50)
Bloomsdale spinach, goat cheese, roasted peppers, mushrooms, pine nuts, sherry pancetta dressing (9.00)
Braised halibut cheeks, potatoes, pea sprouts, tomatoes, capers, white wine (26.00)
Roasted Sonoma duck, white polenta, rapini, honey grappa apricot conserva.

Steve Martin on David Letterman 8/8/07. He will publish a memoir in December on stand-up and showed a clip of him writing it. David: How are you? That's a very forward question. Any thoughts on turning 60? Upon turning 60, i realized all my long-term goals are not short-term. 80-year-old sophisticated woman who's had a lot of heart operations said, in a posh voice, WELL FINALLY, WE DO BECOME WISE BUT IT'S TOO LATE. Steve was hosting National Book Awards and was to give an award to Arthur Miller. He told this joke: I'D LIKE TO OPEN NIGHT WITH A RIDDLE. NAME A PLAYWRIGHT ON THIS LIST THAT DOES NOT BELONG: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, EDWARD ALBEE, TENNESSE WILLIAMS, ARTHUR MILLER, STEVE MARTIN. ANSWER: ARTHUR MILLER: NAME 1 PERSON WHO SLEPT WITH MARILYN MONROE.

ANDREW WEIL'S 12-POINT PROGRAM FOR HEALTHY AGING

1.Eat an anti-inflammatory diet. Olive oil, nuts, avocados. Avoid margarine, vegetable shortening, transfats, etc. Eat fish 3-5 times a week. If you don't like fish, take omega 3 fish oil supplements. The best salmon is wild. Try sockeye salmon; it's the least carnivorous, feeding on insects and algae. This accounts for its red color.
2.Use dietary supplements wisely. It's best to get your nutrients from food. Make sure you get enough vitamin C -1,000 units daily. Remember that sunscreen blocks Vitamin D absorption. It's good to go without sunscreen 15-30 minutes a daily to activate Vitamin D from the sun.
3.Use preventive medicine wisely -- screenings, tests, etc.
4.Regular physical exercise is 3-pronged: Aerobic is best if you speed walk and get the heart beat up to 60 percent of capacity. Vigorous walking takes no equipment and you can do it in a mall. (2) Weight training for strength. If you maintain muscle mass, obviously you burn more calories. (3) Flexibility/balance training. Remember that falls in old age are greatest cause of disability and even death.
5.Adequate rest and sleep. Napping is good. 20 minutes in the afternoon is delightful. As a side note, mild sleep deprivation elevates mood and combats depression.
6.Practice stress management. Stress is a toxin to memory and it is my educated guess that cortisol has negative effects on memory.
7.Exercise mind. Learn another language, musical instrument.
8.Maintain social and intellectual connectedness. Look to the Okinawans who have a low calorie diet, exercise a lot and do not consume a lot of sugar and fat like Americans. The old people there look radiant because the culture values aging.
9.Remain flexible and mind and body. Immerse yourself in the culture; don't isolate yourself as you age.
10.Focus on the benefits of aging gained through wisdom and experience.
11.Don't deny aging by going in for Botox or verbal deceits like "you're getting younger". No one is getting younger. Embrace process of aging.
12.Legacy. Think about what you have learned and want to pass on. What are the life experiences and how to pass on to younger generations. Maturity is when you become involved in the next generation.

BACCKUS KIRK; TRIVIA NIGHT; AUGUST 7, 2007

Trivia Night...I raced here after dinner with a new friend Kent at Kuleto's (future blog). Here goes. Answers to follow:

1.What State are the miners in? What caused the catastrophic event?
2.After New York, LA, Chicago, what are the 2 cities with largest population in U.S.?
3.Who was President during start of the Vietnam War?
4.Who was Al Gore's running mate?
5.Actress Charlize Theron hails from what country?
6.What are the 3 incredients in a black cow?
7.What is currently threatening the British cattle industry?
8.Blackstone recently went public. What type of Company is it?
9.Which male, female performer got most votes for MTV Music Awards?
10.Sitting Bull is from what Indian tribe?
11.Name 5 countries which have territory in the Arctic Circle.
12.Bank of America when first established was known as which Bank?
13.Which State is nicknamed Pelican State?
14.If you listed all countries of world in alphabetical order, what would 1st 3 countries be?
15.A journalist was shot and killed in Oakland. Name him and his paper.

ANSWERS:
1. Utah. Earthquake.
2. Houston, Phoenix, Philadelphia.
3. Lydon Johnson
4. Joseph Lieberman
5. South Africa
6. Vanila Ice Cream, Root Beer, Chocolate Sauce
7. Foot and Mouth disease.
8. Private Equity firm.
9. Beyonce; Justin Timberlake
10.Sioux
11.Canada, Norway, Russia, USA, Denmark (also Greenland)
12.Bank of Italy
13.Louisiana
14.Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria
15.Chauncey Bailey; Oakland Post

ANITA THOMPSON (HUNTER THOMPSON'S WIDOW): THE GONZO WAY; 8/6/07 THE BOOKSMITH, HAIGHT-ASHBURY, SAN FRANCISCO

Anita Thompson, author of The Gonzo Way: A Celebration of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (Fulcom, 2007). Booksmith 8/6/07. Everybody has their own Hunter Thompson story be it when they read one of his books or perhaps when they saw Hunter in person. I saw him at the Booksmith in the Haight-Ashbury in 1997 with actor Johnny Depp. Hundreds of fans formed a line around the block. Anita Thompson, his widow, has stories to tell about an American original who is part visionary, part revolutionary, part literary genius who was able to hold such a grip on our imaginations. The reason she wrote the book was geared to the response she received from thousands of young people who felt lost after Hunter died. She has 5 years of intense experience. One thing that worried her after Hunter's death was this misconception that Hunter's genius came from his lifestyle -- drinking Wild Turkey and taking a bottle of Dexedrine tablets must be the ticket to ride. If I took all these substances, the thinking went, I could write like Hunter. He discouraged people from acting like him. He was a big advocate of being an individual, of being yourself. Last book they collaborated on was Dr. Thompson's guide to physical fitness.

Anita read the chapter on Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride. Here is a portion of the Q and A.

Q:This may be a little painful for you but you were on the phone with Hunter when he shot himself. What were his last words - if you can tell us?
A: I was indeed on the phone when he did it and to some that seems like an act of cruelty but actually he was very loving and Hunter had been planning this for quite awhile as I know now. The discussion we had a year before that was about different sects of Buddhism. He was not a Buddhist by any means but one philosophy is that you decide when you're going to die. You think in your mind how you'd like to die, who you'd like to with die, etc. What you would like to wear, every decision is made from what shoes you put on that day to what you put into your body -- will that bring you closer or take you away from that? And we discussed that and he wanted me to be there with him and the circumstances were such that I was on the phone with him. His last words were very sweet. They weren't cruse -- just the opposite. It was in his mind an act of love.
Q: Do you feel that the public's mythologizing of Hunter's lifestyle is accurate?
A: Yes! He never encouraged it in anyone else. He did have a unique ability to -- he had a strange and unusual constitution both mentally and physically. Not only could he ingest more physical substances than other people but also he could absorb more information than other people I know. He read several newspapers and a stack of magazines every day. Some people called is a disorder but he constantly needed input. It was a flow of substances and food, too. It just kept coming.

BRANDY HO'S:CHANGE FROM MUNDANE CHINESE;PETER'S JOKE OF THE WEEK

Brandy Ho's; 271 Columbus; (415) 788-7527.www.brandyhos.com. The first thing you notice upon entering is the large banner proclaiming ABSOLUTELY NO MSG. The restaurant doth protest too much, me thinks. Incendiary insiders insist this excellent Chinatown Human resource is numero uno for fairly priced flavor intensive chow from a menu designed for both the adventurous and the staid. You might want to specify mild or medium unless you have an asbestos mouth. The decor has the usual tacky ornamentation (plastic plants, flower pots separating the diners). Regulars prefer to sit at the bar and watch the wok folks at work.

Have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone
Have a napkin, have a chopstick, have a chair!
Have a spare rib, Mr. Goldstone-
Any spare rib that I can spare, I'd be glad to share!
(Stephen Sondheim, Mr. Goldstone, I Love You, 1959).

This is definitely a go-to place for the financial district crowd. What with excellent book browsing at City Lights, sluicing, and cheery conversation and what-not, an afternoon can pass quite happily.

The restaurant does not pass out knives but they should if you opt for the calamari with black bean sauce and brown rice as I did. BIG MISTAKE! It was a very disappointing: rubbery, tasteless and the sauce not as fiery as I would have liked.(9.95). Regulars at the next table insist that you should avoid the smoked items and keep it simple! Diced boneless chicken with string beans marinated with ginger, garlic and hot bean sauce fits the bill. (8.50). Peter ordered the Lunch Bar Special (Hunan style spicy beef with mixed veggies). A real deal at just $6.95. Skip the desserts. Is there such a thing as Sugar Replacement Therapy? Yeah, it's called Chocolate. Best to bring your own. Make mine Godiva!

PETER'S JOKE OF THE WEEK:

Hi-Tech Restaurant.
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please. Intrigued, the man said, "OK". The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthrough, etc. The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tact.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.. Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out, "Uh...about 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e
g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e
H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"